Other Character Email Tampo/bozar

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Artist's rendition of the Gokul Feeding Chamber

Tampo Email #31: bozar

Summary: Our three favorite bosses find themselves in a predicament, so Bozar comes to help them out with magic.

Cast (in order of appearance): Tampo, Stlunko, Gokuls, Brody, Saargtsson, Poorbts, Bozar, A Frotzer, Zyves, NEB-1

Places: Gokul Feeding Chamber, Private Chamber, Lava Zone Hallway, Outer Space

Length: 245 Lines

Date: October 1st, 2005

Transcript

{Cut to the chamber in the Lava Zone. There is a large machine in the cave with four pipes going along the roof and then dropping down with funnels at the ends. Directly belong each of the funnels is a Gokul, just sitting there. There is another large funnel sticking out of the machine. Stlunko and Tampo are next to the machine.}

TAMPO: Well, this is an uncomfortable change of pace.

STLUNKO: Ever since I got repaired, it has been work on and off.

TAMPO: A few hours of work a day isn't actually that bad, really. We could be worse off. Like, still on the run. Or locked up in jail.

STLUNKO: You are correct.

{Brody enters the chamber carring two large bucketsful of rocks. He looks exhasted. As he approaches the other two, he drops the buckets on the ground.}

BRODY: {panting} Whew... I need a break.

{Tampo zaps the rocks in both buckets with laserballs. Then Stlunko grabs both buckets of electrically charged rocks and dumps them into the side funnel, then places the empty buckets back on the ground.}

STLUNKO: There.

{The machine whirs and then out of the four overhead funnels pours even portions of electrified goop onto the Gokuls. The Gokuls squeal in delight and absorb the goop.}

BRODY: Stupid little Gokuls.

SAARGTSSON: {offscreen} Don't call the Gokulssssss ssstupid. {slithers in} They sssecrete the hottessst, puressst, bessst lavvva. Thhhey mussst be well fffed.

BRODY: Whatever. They still are awfully hard to feed.

SAARGTSSON: Tampo makessssss thisss whole processssss much more efffffficient by sssupplying the electricccity for fffree.

{During the following dialogue, four Poorbts walk in, grab the happy Gokuls and carry the blobby things off.}

TAMPO: Free, huh? {sarcastic} Yeah right.

STLUNKO: For your information, Tampo requires energy for his laserballs.

SAARGTSSON: Whatevvver, I don't care. You'vvve done enough work fffor now. You guyssssss are fffree to play or relax or whatevvver it issssss you want to do.

BRODY: Finally. Two hours straight is tough.

TAMPO: Let's go do stuff.

{The boss trio leave Saargtsson at his machine. Cut to the boss trio's private chamber, the one with the SaargtScreen in the middle. The three bosses enter.}

BRODY: We have got to get some furniture in here. This rocky flooring is hard...

TAMPO: Yeah, I guess we should work on that sometime soon.

STLUNKO: And we need a barrior to keep us from falling into this lava flow. {points to the lava flowing along the left side of the room}

BRODY: I agree. Living right next to a river of certain death makes me nervous.

STLUNKO: Which should we work on first? Furniture or barrier?

TAMPO: Email.

BRODY: What?!

TAMPO: Let's check some email. We can't let our popularity drop just because we're now working hard for a meager existance in underground carverns flowing with burning death.

BRODY: Tampo, you are ob-

STLUNKO: {interupting} It is okay, Brody. Besides, I spent last night programming an EXE to make checking emails easy on this computer. Let us try it out.

BRODY: Fine, whatever.

{They go up to the SaargtScreen and Stlunko gets his hands ready at the keyboard. The camera zooms into the computer screen. Stlunko types the following.}

C:\>RUN tampo_email.exe

TAMPO: {email rap} Run Tampo underscore email dot e-x-e.

{This brings up a random email. Tampo reads it.}

CSS:\>openmail: Important

To my Current Three Worst Minions,
I must be insane to do this. But I have recently stolen files from Strong Bad, Stinkoman's creator, that has important information not only about Stinkoman, but about our lives and the structure of this universe. Therefore, if this falls into the wrong hands (yes, there are forces more evil than ours), the evil forces will kill Stinkoman first and destroy the universe! I am trusting you with these files because you have a SuperCom, a very complex supercomputer. The SuperCom is not vulternable to major physical attacks, unlike Saargtsson's.

-The Master

P.S. If you send the files to another computer, the process is very slow.

Attachment: Very important files

TAMPO: Okay... a pre-revolution email.

BRODY: So... the Master sent the email to us because Saargtsson's computer isn't completely safe?

STLUNKO: We are using Saargtsson's computer.

TAMPO: Well, these must be very important files. I guess as long as we make sure this computer isn't damaged or spied on, I suppose we could open it here.

STLUNKO: We have to. This email had very special coding on it. Once it is opened, it cannot be opened again. Top security. It is stuck on this computer, and transfering it would take years of work to break the encryption.

BRODY: So let's start the download. I'm curious what these super important files are. I mean, information on Stinkoman, us and the universe. These are gonna be good.

{Stlunko types in the following with the shown result.}

CSS:\>DOWNLOAD very_important_files.zip

Downloading... 0%

{There is a pause.}

TAMPO: Okay... so this computer is sort of slow...

{Ten seconds after the downloading message came up, it changes.}

Downloading... 0.01%

{It continues to go up by 0.01 every ten seconds.}

BRODY: Great. At this rate we'll be dead before it downloads.

STLUNKO: Actually, at this rate, it will take 69.4444444444444444—

TAMPO: Stop it, Stlunko.

STLUNKO: —4 days. Approximately 2.3 months.

BRODY: I can't wait that long.

TAMPO: We can't leave it like this for two months. And what about my email show? Can I still check emails while it downloads?

STLUNKO: Maybe.

{Stlunko types some stuff into the keyboard, but nothing happens onscreen.}

STLUNKO: No, I cannot get anything else operating. I suppose I could cancel the download. Forever. Because we cannot reopen the email.

TAMPO: Well, if it's that important, I don't want to lose it. What will we do?

{Suddenly, as if by magic, the computer screen starts to glow red and then another email appears superimposed over the download. All three bosses stare at it confused. Tampo reads it, slowly at first.}

Dear Fellows,
My, my. It looks like you're in quite the predicament.
Since you probably can't solve it using plain old
science, perhaps you should consider using the other
powerful force present in anime and anime-like worlds
such as your own: magic and similarly wondrous forces!
Hoping for the most amusing possible outcome,
Bozar the Most Magnificent Magical Meddler

TAMPO: Alright... Bozar, huh? I don't think I trust magicians...

BRODY: Well, I think Bozar here is right. We need help.

STLUNKO: I am unsure about this Bozar character. Let me see if I can look him up...

TAMPO: I suppose we could give him a chance. How do we contact him?

STLUNKO: I am unsure. This InstaNet connection is slow, my scanners are not working too quickly.

{Suddenly there is a flash of rainbow light accompanied by fanfare in the middle of the room. All eyes are on Bozar as he steps out of the fading flash. He looks like he did in the SBEmail "best thing", except his exposed lower body is a gelatinous blob of tenticles.}

BOZAR: Well how do you do, odd creatures? I am the magnificiant Bozar, here to assist you.

TAMPO: Okay then...

BRODY: Ugh...

BOZAR: What is it, collossal chicken?

BRODY: Nothing, it's just that, well, you're- you're- ugly.

BOZAR: You are mistaken, for I am actually quite handsome. But that is not the issue here. I understand you guys need help.

TAMPO: Yes, we do. With this attachment. It's very important and we need to open it.

BOZAR: Ah yes, I was aware of your attachment problem.

STLUNKO: Why do you want to help us?

BOZAR: Why, because I'm curious of what's in that attachment, of course. It has a very large firewall surrounding it and I simply can't read it by magic unless I get it to download.

TAMPO: Um... I don't think we can let you read it.

BRODY: And why should we trust you?

BOZAR: Well, because I will magically erase the doubts from your mind.

{Before the boss trio can react, Bozar opens his hands and throws sparkling magic dust upon the trio. All three bosses stare blankly for a few seconds as orange goo oozes out from Tampo's wrinkles, Brody's head feathers, and the edges of Stlunko's metal frame.}

BOZAR: Or I could accidentally turn your doubts into oozing orange goo. Ah, well.

{The bosses regain their consciousness as the last of the orange goo seeps into the floor.}

TAMPO: Uh... where were we?

BOZAR: I was just about to aid you three in gaining access to this file.

TAMPO: Oh, yes. Go ahead. Use your magic.

BRODY: And hurry up!

{Bozar opens his hands and sends magic dust at the SaargtScreen. Unfortunately all it does is add a minus sign.}

Downloading... -0.07%

STLUNKO: That did not help.

TAMPO: {sarcastic} Nice magic.

BOZAR: Erase your worries, gentlemen. It is only a minor error. This dimension is new to me. But everything is fine, for I have a foolproof undo spell! {shouts, opens hands} NEGATORY!!!

{There is a small white flash and the download returns to normal.}

BRODY: Are you going to try again?

BOZAR: Yes, and I shall succeed in quickening this download. Maybe this technique requires some sort of magical chant. {opens and clenches his fists with each word} Bippity! Boppity! Boo!

{Another sparkly flash appears and when it fades, Tampo, Brody and Stlunko are gone, leaving Bozar and the SaargtScreen.}

BOZAR: Oh dear, that was not supposed to happen. I do wonder where they went. At least I now have this devise all to myself. {prepares to do another spell}

{Cut to a passage in the lava zone containing a Poorbt, a Frotzer and a Gokul.}

FROTZER: {Tampo's voice} Okay... what did he just do? I feel... small.

POORBT: {Brody's voice} That Bozar is an idiot. He put me in some... stupid minion body!

GOKUL: {Stlunko's voice} We need to get back to him. Look, the entrance to our chamber is right over there.

{The Frozter and Poorbt start to leave, but the Gokul can't move.}

GOKUL: {Stlunko} Help.

POORBT: {Brody} Oops.

{The Poorbt returns and picks up the Gokul. Then they head towards the entrance. Zyves enters the scene and catches the three offgaurd.}

ZYVES: Umm... hey, minions.

{The minion trio stop and turn around to face Zyves. The Poorbt drops the Gokul.}

ZYVES: I have a question. Do you think that... Brody will forgive me?

{Tampo the Frozter and Stlunko the Gokul glance at Brody the Poorbt.}

POORBT: {Brody} Umm... {disguises voice} I heard that you spied on him, betrayed him and nearly killed him. Tough luck.

ZYVES: Oh. {pause} Well, I guess you're right. {sighs} Well, um, eh... {shifts feet} If you happen to come across him, could you, um... tell him that I'm sorry. I really did enjoy spending time with him back then... but I don't think he'll even listen to me right now. {pauses, then walks off}

{There is a lengthly pause. The Poorbt breaks the silence.}

POORBT: {Brody} What are we waiting for? Let's go get our bodies back from that Bozar guy.

{The Poorbt picks up the Gokul and the three continue back to their chamber.}

{Cut to Bozar at the SaargtScreen. The boss trio enter in minion's bodies. Bozar is currently using a magical spell on the SaargtScreen, but it turns it into NEB-1.}

BOZAR: No, not again. This is getting horribly aggrivating.

NEB-1: ROAR!!!

{NEB-1 glares at Bozar. The minion trio take a few cautious steps back.}

BOZAR: {shouts, open hands} NEGATORY!!!

{NEB-1 disappears in a flash in light and the SaargtScreen is back. The download is at 0.18%. The three minions walk up to Bozar and get his attention.}

FROTZER: {Tampo} Ahem.

BOZAR: Oh there you guys are. {shouts, open hands} NEGATORY!!!

{In a flash, Tampo, Brody and Stlunko are back to their normal selves.}

BOZAR: Sorry about that, sirs.

TAMPO: I think it's time for you to leave.

BOZAR: Please allow me give it just one more attempt!

BRODY: No-

{Bozar sends out a magical spell.}

{Cut to an outer space shot of Planet K and the Moon. Suddenly magical sparkles appear on the scene and then the planet and moon become frozen to square.}

{Cut back to the computer chamber. Everything is frozen in ice, except for a small area containing Bozar and the SaargtScreen. Tampo, Brody and Stlunko are visible frozen in solid ice. Bozar looks around.}

BOZAR: Not exactly what I had in mind... but it works. I believe it is now time to time travel.

{Bozar disappears in a flash. Suddenly the scene darkens and a clock becomes superimposed over it. The clock's hands speed up to signal the passage of time. As time is sped up, the download also continues to move up quickly. Suddenly at 99.98%, everything turns to normal and Bozar reappears. Other than the download, everything is the same as it had been before.}

BOZAR: A few months in the future, and the download is nearly complete. But brrrr... it is cold in here. I suppose that there's no harm in unfreezing everyone. After all, the email does belong to these three here. {shouts, opens hands} NEGATORY!!!

{The ice quickly disappears and the trio becomes mobile again as if nothing happened.}

BRODY: Hey, you did it! The download is nearly complete.

TAMPO: Thanks, Bozar.

{The download hits 100% and the file automatically opens. Everyone looks at it and Tampo reads it outloud.}

A:/>OPEN very_important_files.zip

06/10/34 - I am busy working on my robot successor. Everything seems to be going according to plan, although it will still be a while until it is finished. Possibly several years.

One thing to note is that today I met this interesting character - Bozar, I believe his name is. I'm not sure what his intentions are, but he's aided me by creating a feature for my robot: the Double Duece. It sounds interesting, although I'm not sure what it'll be used for.

He claims to know the future, and although I'm not sure whether I should believe him or not, he appears to know what he's doing. But he is also warning me that in a fight, my robot's great weakness will be discovered. I must work to correct this weakness, he says. The weakness is an odd one, to exploit it one must--

Wait, Bozar's back, and he tells me that I must not record Stinkoman's weakness here. That Bozar's a mysterious one.
End log.

BRODY: What the-

STLUNKO: An old entry from Strong Bad.

BOZAR: Oh, drat. The secret files weren't suppose to be this; I am already aware of all this knowledge.

TAMPO: {glares at Bozar} You're helping Strong Bad built Stinkoman?!

BRODY: You gave Stinkoman his Double Duece?! You- you monster!

STLUNKO: You are evil, risking the time stream to help build Stinkoman.

BRODY: Let's get him!

BOZAR: Sorry sirs, but I must be going. Strong Bad must be alerted to not record Stinkoman's weakness. Good-bye.

{Suddenly Bozar disappears in a flash.}

BRODY: Great. We lost him.

TAMPO: That was odd. What was his deal?

STLUNKO: I do not know. Apparently he planned to use this to gain knowledge on his project, whatever that may be.

BRODY: He created Stinkoman's double deuce and is turning- um, turned him into the enemy we know today.

TAMPO: Well, it's too bad we missed out on learning Stinkoman's weakness.

{Saargtsson enters the room.}

SAARGTSSON: Okay, time for you guyssssss to get back to work. {notices message on the SaargtScreen} What issssss thhhisss? Sssome sssort of entry log?

{The quickly skims through the message while the boss trio nervously watch.}

SAARGTSSON: Hmmmm... {presses a button on the keyboard with his tail, bringing up the Master's email} What'ssssss thhhisss? {quickly reads it} What?! {angrily} The Massster gavvve you thhhree exclusssive inffformation?! Why, I- {stops, calms down} Well... I sssuppossse it isss how time to sssend the Master a report on his thhhree mossst "trussstworthhhy" minionsss, eh? {laugh} Hssssss-sss-ss...

{Saargtsson leaves the room. The three bosses glance at each other.}

STLUNKO: We are in trouble.

{We zoom into the SaargtScreen. The displayed email disappears and the following text appears.}

A:/> Click here to email Tampo.

Easter Eggs

Click on "A:/>" to see an additional scene.

{Cut back to the Gokul feeding chamber. There are four Gokuls waiting to be fed. One of them is extra fat, but the others are normal. The boss trio is here as well, and Stlunko just finished pouring electrified rocks into the machine.}

STLUNKO: More food sent.

{Suddenly Saargtsson barges in.}

SAARGTSSON: {urgent} What are you doing?! Can't you sssee that thisss Gokul already ate? {points with tail to fat Gokul}

BRODY: Greedy little thing.

SAARGTSSON: You can't fffeed it!

STLUNKO: We are too late. I already deposited the food.

SAARGTSSON: Noooooo!!

{The food drops onto the Gokuls and they absorb it. Suddenly the overweight Gokul starts screeching and wiggling chaotically.}

TAMPO: What the-?!

SAARGTSSON: It'ssssss gonna-

{Suddenly the fat Gokul explodes. Red Gokul guts fly everywhere and splatter on everyone.}

SAARGTSSON: {annoyed} ...explode.

Fun Facts

You will have to have read "revolution" to understand the boss trio's situation.
The first email Tampo opened was indeed a pre-revution era email. The author actually updated the email to match the trio's new computer, but Joshua decided to use the original verison for plot reasons.
Stlunko's math is accurate.
"Negatory" is the name of Stinkoman 20X6 Level -0.
"Bippity! Boppity! Boo!" is a line from Disney's Cinderella.
Freezing to square is a theme from Stinkoman 20X6 Level 7.
The year Strong Bad's entry comes from, '34, relates to the time he was seen building Stinkoman in "apocalypse:" 2037.
The month and day of the entry, July 10th, refers to the day "apocalypse" was released.

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