Other Character Email Gunhaver/RPG
From Homestar Runner Fanstuff Wiki
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Summary
Gunhaver and Homsar are stuck in Beta Oyster's stimulation, a video game. They have to help Old Lady find her four children, or else... there will be something evil happening.
Cast (in order of appearance): Arrowhaver, Gunhaver, Homsar, Beta Oyster, Shadow, Black Laser, Blue Laser, Max, Old Lady, Salesman, Owl, Earthworms, Earth Demon, Eco, Alpha Stan (Easter Egg), Silent Rip (Easter Egg), Firebert (Easter Egg)
Page Title: Final Reality
Lines: 250
Transcript
{Cut to a computer on a floor. On the screen, there is a minimized tab labeled "Imprisonment: FRII - G..." on the toolbar on the bottom of the screen. There is an Internet Sailor browser icon. Wind blows to indicate the silence and emptiness of the area.}
{Cut to the hallway in the Cheat Commandos HQ with the computer. Arrowhaver walks onscreen, cautiously looking around for 30 seconds.}
ARROWHAVER: Okay, so Blursday hasn't come to eat me yet. {notices computer} Ooh! A computer! Maybe I can do an email show, just like Gunhaver, and become popular, fight villains, time travel, and... {pause} Never mind. An email show's a freakin' burden. I don't know how Gunhaver manages. {pause} I still want to see the computer.
{Arrowhaver kneels on the floor in front of the computer. He notices the minimized tab on the toolbar.}
ARROWHAVER: Oh? What's this? {moves the cursor to the minimized tab} Is this an auction webpage? Maybe I can buy a new Indianhead penny to replace the one stolen from me. {clicks on the minimized tab}
{Cut to what the minimized tab reveals, a large window with a desert scenery. On the desert are Gunhaver and Homsar dressed in Middle East nomad clothes. Gunhaver looks around.}
GUNHAVER: Where the crap are we? The Middle West?
HOMSAR: Mitosis meiosis are the two coolest jamby-jams! {looks to the right} My toe shoes have become cockroaches!
GUNHAVER: {sighs} What now? {looks to the right} Hey! There's a freakin' wide, black wall blocking the way, as if the world stops here.
HOMSAR: DaAaaAaaAAAA! I've got shiny books in the encyclopedia pawn!
{Gunhaver and Homsar look to the left.}
HOMSAR: JaAAAAY birds in the hot submarine tre...!
GUNHAVER: Shut up! Hey! It's a village!
HOMSAR: I feel like a tital wave of the obsidian!
{Gunhaver and Homsar walk across the desert towards the village. On the way, a small rock pillar rises from the sand with a small computer monitor on top of it.}
GUNHAVER: Oooh! Neat! A computer!
HOMSAR: Heeeey!!! I've got a pineapple crouch! I'ma goin' Italian!
{Homsar wobbles onto the left. Cut to a wider view of the desert with Gunhaver and Homsar both shown. Suddenly, a gigantic worm monster with a large number of sharp teeth pops out of the grounds and bites Homsar. No visible injury is shown on Homsar, but he flashes as the words "HP: -20" rise from Homsar. Then the worm monster goes back in the sand. Homsar quickly goes back to Gunhaver and the monitor. Cut to a closer view of Homsar, Gunhaver, and the computer.}
GUNHAVER: Took you long enough. Anyway, take a look at this.
{Cut to the monitor, which has the following email.}
Subject: Помогите мне!
To zdravstvulte!, the head of beef of fellow.
Old lady
I will be bad old woman living in Bumdumbourge. My children nakhodyatsya in prison toaster and I freed them. 4 to zarabatyvayu of den'g by path sold spirit that made from squeezings toilet. You will if you please purchase my spirit, I is which I want it saw my children again.
GUNHAVER: {looking at monitor} Apparently, some old woman lost some children who might have been kidnapped by a toilet ghost. {to Homsar} I think my gibberish-translating skills have improved, right?
HOMSAR: DaAAAAAA! Jeany jeans have the nicest coats of the Camelot!
GUNHAVER: Anyway, I guess the sensible thing to do is to go to that village!
{Cut to Gunhaver walking to the village down the desert with Homsar following him with a scared look.}
HOMSAR: Horseshoes are leprechauns in the netherland of rainbows!
{Suddenly, the worm monster from before rises from the sand, roaring at Gunhaver. Gunhaver gets a shocked look while Homsar screams. Cut to Homsar running to the wall on the right side of the screen. Homsar tries to run up the wall, but he falls off and lands on the sand.}
HOMSAR: Holy gametes in the raindrops!
{Suddenly, a loud scream is heard from off-screen. Homsar gets up and runs to the left. Cut to Gunhaver standing by the words "Gunhaver got 45 EXP points! Gunhaver's raised to level 2!".}
HOMSAR: Holy Toledo, Fish Man! You've got the heaps!
GUNHAVER: Where the crap were you??? I had to defeat the giant worm monster with my "+1 KNOWLEDGE" by myself; and the monster is dead, no thanks to you!
{Cut to a gigantic, dark fortress underwater. The water is flashing, black, and looks like it's made in 3D graphics. Cut to inside the fortress, where there are figurines of eight different looking monsters on a table. One of them, the worm monster from before, is on the floor, broken into pieces. A figure dressed in a dark robe is facing a wall. Suddenly, the wall turns into liquid. Suddenly, a dark figure appears on the liquid wall.}
DARK FIGURE: So, is everything going as planned?
ROBED FIGURE: Yes. They are in the Onset Desert, and they have just killed the first boss with Knowledge.
DARK FIGURE: Ah... nice...
ROBED FIGURE: They will soon be approaching Onset Village.
DARK FIGURE: Not that. The connection's improving.
{The liquid wall shows static for a second. After that, Shadow is shown on the wall.}
SHADOW: Now, you remember the plan, right?
ROBED FIGURE: Yes, master. Gunhaver and anyone else who is trapped in this stimulation will fight through the eight bosses, and we will intentionally make them win. In fact, I will intentionally let them defeat me so the ending sequence can be activated... {zoom in on the robed figure} ...where Gunhaver will die.
{Cut to a room in the Persimmon Tower, where Shadow is talking to the robed figure on a laptop (the back of the laptop is shown to the screen). Behind Shadow are Black Laser and Blue Laser, looking at the laptop screen.}
SHADOW: And one of us will control Gunhaver and any other companions through the game, as I have just done to destroy the first boss. Good luck.
{Shadow pushes a button, and a small blip is heard. Then Shadow faces Black Laser and Blue Laser.}
SHADOW: All right, so who is going to play through the game?
BLUE LASER: WHAT??? WHY CAN'T YOU PLAY???
SHADOW: {thinking} I'm obviously being too nice to him these days. {talking} I hate video games. They suck. They make Nintendo look bad. So, who wants to play it?
BLACK LASER: I'm still getting used to the modern world. Back in my day, we played Bong on low-quality video game consoles that made low-quality "graphics".
BLUE LASER: BUT THIS GAME WAS PROBABLY MADE IN YOUR TIME!!!
{Black Laser pushes Blue Laser off-screen. Meanwhile, Max runs onscreen and pushes Shadow away from the laptop.}
MAX: I'll play! Video gaming is my speciality!
SHADOW: {off-screen} As well as the ability to get killed by your masters everyday!
MAX: Yeah, yeah. So where do I start?
{Cut to the fortress room. The robed figure looks at the table of the figurines of the bosses.}
ROBED FIGURE: Gunhaver, you will learn to mess with us. You will learn why being evil is the best thing ever.
{Cut to the Robed Figure's face, which is a screen with Beta Oyster's face on it.}
BETA OYSTER: Failure is inevitable.
{Thunder is heard off-screen.}
{Cut to Onset Village. Gunhaver and Homsar are walking by several huts with barred doors.}
GUNHAVER: This is weird. We can't get into any of these huts.
HOMSAR: In the cheesy rivertime of the air bubbles!
GUNHAVER: Air bubbles??? That's it! We're going into that one hut near the entrance to the village, which smelled like old ladies!
{Cut to hut. Gunhaver and Homsar walk inside a dark room.}
GUNHAVER: Hello? {pause} Anyone here? {pause} Can you give us some deus ex machinas, or something like that?
{Suddenly, the hut is lit up slightly by a candle held by a frail, human hand. Cut to the person holding the candle, an old, human woman.}
GUNHAVER: Oh, it's... a weird looking old lady... I think I saw one of you in Wikipedia... you're on of those primitive species... {thinking} um... what were you called... {face sparks in realization} Oh, right! You're one of those humans!
{Pause. Crickets chirp in a bad-quality chirping sound.}
GUNHAVER: Uh... so... can you help us out?
OLD LADY: JaAaaaAaAaAaAaAaAAAA!!! In the fishes of the old shiny boots king is a new corn!
{Pause.}
GUNHAVER: Oh great. Another one. {angrily} That's it! I'm leaving!
{Gunhaver storms off.}
HOMSAR: DaAaAAaAAaAAA! Where are the milestones, Princess Droop?
{Cut to Gunhaver walking down a marketplace, which is completely deserted, sans one stand. Gunhaver is talking to the salesman of the stand.}
SALESMAN: In the Thomas of the light stone, there are three lima deans!
GUNHAVER: {frustrated} Jeez! Another one! Will this ever end???
{Homsar wobbles onscreen and puts three small objects that look like dollar signs on the salesman's stand. The salesman gives Homsar a headset.}
SALESMAN: In the midnight, I give you a rose of bicycle soup!
{Homsar holds the headset out to Gunhaver, who refuses to take it.}
GUNHAVER: What, am I going to become one of you freaks if I wear it?
{Homsar strains before speaking.}
HOMSAR: That's... more or... less... the pointy cheese! {exhales. Text saying "HP: -3" flashes above Homsar}
GUNHAVER: Meh? Why not? If he spoke English in order to explain to me...
{Gunhaver takes the headset and puts it on his head. The words "Gunhaver gets Jibberish-to-English language converter!" appear.}
GUNHAVER: All right, so...
HOMSAR: Alright, crapface, can you understand me?
GUNHAVER: Crapface?!
SALESMAN: Welcome to my concession stand, the only concession stand in business right now due to the recent kidnappings! I currently have one item, the Jibberish-to-English listening converter. So, would you like to buy my Jibberish-to-English listening converter? It's only three money units!
GUNHAVER: Hey! I can undestand you! At last!
HOMSAR: Alrighty. Now, let's head back into that creepy hut with the creepy lady; I'm pretty sure she had something important to tell us. You'll have to do all the speaking, since she can't understand me.
{Cut to inside the old lady's hut. Gunhaver and Homsar are in front of the Old Lady.}
OLD LADY: This village, Onset Village, was a representation of the beginning of civilization in the lands of Slightly-in-the-Middle Earth. Despite its location in the middle of a desert, with the nearest water source three miles away, our village was prosperous. We traded, grew crops, and farmed animals.
GUNHAVER: Look, can you get to the point?
OLD LADY: I was a citizen of this village since the beginning. Oh, what a wonderful village it was! I remember the smell of the crisp, desert, Slightly-in-the-Middle Earth air!
{A bar captioned "Gunhaver Boredom" appears in the bottom right, and it is slowly filling up. Another bar captioned "Homsar Boredom" appears in the bottom left, and it is almost empty.}
GUNHAVER: {to Homsar while the Old Lady's still talking} Can you make her get to the point?
HOMSAR: We can't, Gunhaver.
GUNHAVER: Why not?
HOMSAR: She's programmed to talk like this.
GUNHAVER: Programmed???
HOMSAR: We're in a game, an RPG video game.
{Gunhaver looks shocked.}
HOMSAR: It's probably dramatic irony anyway.
OLD LADY: ...but then, there was the Ocean King.
GUNHAVER: The Ocean King? That name sucks.
OLD LADY: The Ocean King dried up the nearest river, so we have to go seven miles to the next-to-nearest water source, but it was dried up too. All water sources in th...
{Cut to a bored Gunhaver and a focused Homsar in front of the Old Lady, who is still talking.}
GUNHAVER: Man, for an RPG, this is one freakin' long cutscene.
OLD LADY: ...then, he stole my four children, the ones who have been entrusted with the four Elemental Medallions: Frodo, Dodo, Eco, and Jimmy...
GUNHAVER: Whoa! Where did the Elemental Medallions come into the story? And didn't Jimmy jump off a cliff?
HOMSAR: Around the time you were sleeping from boredom. As for the cliff thing, you need to take a language class.
OLD LADY: ...the Ocean King has placed them in four dungeons controlled by four demons of the elements water, fire, air, and earth...
GUNHAVER: Ah, the cliche four elements.
OLD LADY: ...if the Ocean King gets full control of the Elemental Medallions, Slightly-in-the-Middle Earth is doomed. Please, help me!
GUNHAVER: Oh? So you're done? Okay, let's go!
HOMSAR: Wait! Just where do we go?
OLD LADY: This village, Onset Village, was a representation of the beginning of civilization in the lands of Slig...
{Cut to Homsar and Gunhaver walking out of the hut. Both look exhausted.}
HOMSAR: I should have thought better than to ask the old lady. That's the only thing she's programmed to say. How the heck are we supposed to know where to go now?
GUNHAVER: Maybe some contrived plot device of the game will pop up!
{Suddenly, an owl flies up to Homsar and Gunhaver while facing the camera the entire time. Some music plays.}
OWL: Hello! I am the wise Owl, who gives hints with background music, not copied off of Nintendo.
HOMSAR: What's a Nintendo?
GUNHAVER: Hi.
OWL: You are to go to the East, where you will go to the Earth Shrine, go through the dungeon, get items, and fight the Earth Demon to save Eco, the Old Lady's fourth child.
GUNHAVER: That reminds me, what kind of name is Eco???
HOMSAR: At least it isn't some sort of name reversed and called evil or something. Man, those names are crap. Hey, wait a minute, Eco is-
OWL: Until then, farewell.
{The owl flies away while facing the camera the entire time.}
GUNHAVER: So... we're supposed to have weapons...
HOMSAR: Well... according to a scan through our stats, you have +1 Attack, +1 Defense, +2 Speed...
GUNHAVER: Oh, come on! What kind of crappy stats are those???
HOMSAR: ...+4 Knowledge, and 22 HP; whereas I have +2 Attack, +1 Defense, +3 Speed, and +2 Knowledge, and 23 HP.
GUNHAVER: Wait, so who's the main character, and who's the sidekick?
HOMSAR: Well, it could've been worse. You could've been the sidekick. {glances at Gunhaver's stats} Oh, wait, you are the sidekick.
{Gunhaver falls to the ground.}
GUNHAVER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
{Cut to a desert. Homsar and Gunhaver down the desert with accompanying adventure music.}
HOMSAR: Well, now that we have our adventure started, I guess we will need to fight soon.
GUNHAVER: Speaking of which, do we just attack with words that pop up out of nowhere?
HOMSAR: Yes, yes we do... for now.
{Suddenly, circus music plays as three earthworms crawl onscreen.}
HOMSAR: They need to fire their music guy. {the music fades out} Anyway, what do you say we battle them?
GUNHAVER: Yeah, I'll just step on them!
{Gunhaver goes to the worms to step on them. However, once he is next to the nearest earthworm, he can't move on.}
GUNHAVER: What the crap???
HOMSAR: Heh. You don't know the fundamentals of RPGs. You're such a n00b.
GUNHAVER: Nah, I like platformers only.
HOMSAR: Well, so do I. I mean, I don't think I've ever even played an RPG before, but it's just common knowledge. Now, if you'll excuse me...
{Cut to Arrowhaver watching the game on the computer. There is an RPG battle going on.}
ARROWHAVER: Wow. That is fun, but it's taking too long! {walks off-screen} I'll make popcorn!
{Cut to the same scene, except the words "40 Minutes Later..." appear. Arrowhaver runs onscreen with a bag of popcorn.}
ARROWHAVER: {exhausted} Whew! Stealing popcorn from an old lady isn't as easy as it was months ago! Anyway, {looks at computer} let's see how the Gunhaver look-alike and the blue freak are doing now.
{Cut to the game. Gunhaver and Homsar are in front of a large temple. Homsar has a sword and shield while Gunhaver has a dagger.}
HOMSAR: Well, fighting that mini-boss was definetely worth it. Look at these cool items!
GUNHAVER: {bluntly} I got a dagger.
HOMSAR: {not caring} Yeah, it was fun. Well, here's the Earth Shrine, the first dungeon. Let's head it.
{Ominous dungeon music plays as Homsar and Gunhaver go inside the shrine. Suddenly, the game is viewed from Homsar's POV. There are three counters in the bottom right: Time, Rooms and Exp. Gained.}
MAX: {off-screen} Dude! What the crap?
SHADOW: {off-screen} RPG fundamentals. Just go on.
{Cut to an RPG battle between Gunhaver and Homsar versus a large troll called "Earth Demon". Their stats are not shown because Homsar is in the middle of attacking. This attack causes the Earth Demon to crumble into a pile of rocks. The words "Homsar and Sidekick win!" appear.}
{Cut to Homsar and Gunhaver following a human child, Eco, who is running out of the Earth Shrine. The words "Minutes, EXP points, and a cutscene later..." appear. Homsar is covered in a red, blood-like substance. Cut to a closeup of Homsar.}
HOMSAR: Man, I've never seen so much ketchup! {to Gunhaver} I wonder what kinds of positive effects we'll get from the earth, now that Eco has the Earth Medallion?
GUNHAVER: I don't know, but I'm disappointed that I'm just the supporting guy. I just wish I am the main guy who gets to kill all of the enemies.
HOMSAR: Oh well, you can't win at everything.
GUNHAVER: That is SO corny!
{Cut to Gunhaver and Homsar running down a dried up river in a desert with accompanying adventure music. The words "And so, Gunhaver and Homsar are still responsible for saving Frodo, Dodo, and Jimmy before fighting the Ocean King to bring back peace to Slightly-in-the-Middle Earth. Right now, he's going to the Water Cave to rescue Dodo. But right now..." Suddenly, the scene freezes.}
MAX: {off-screen} Whew! I'm tired! I want to take a week-long break!
SHADOW: {off-screen} NO! You get your butt on playing this freakin' video game!
MAX: {off-screen} Why my butt?
{Beta Oyster appears on the dried-up river.}
BETA OYSTER: Ignore this link.
Easter Eggs
- Click on Beta Oyster to see this:
{Cut to a multicolored, blue void with yellow lines. Alpha Stan's face flies to Beta Oyster's face and tackles Beta Oyster's face.}
ALPHA STAN: You fiend! How dare you take and sabotage my job!
BETA OYSTER: This is your job? Sad. Now, excuse me as I vaporize you out of this cyberspace.
ALPHA STAN: Eep!
{Alpha Stan disappears before Beta Oyster shoots an energy ball at him.}
- Click on "Jimmy, who did NOT jump off a cliff" to see this:
{Cut to Silent Rip and Firebert at the bottom of a cliff. Both are panting from exhaustion.}
SILENT RIP: {panting} Not this cliff either. Come on guys. We have to go to the next cliff to save Jimmy's wallet!
FIREBERT: {exhausted Cheatish}
SILENT RIP: {tired} No. Otherwise, Gunhaver would tell us about it right now.
- Click on "Frodo" to see this:
{Cut to Max and Shadow in front of the laptop.}
MAX: I think that this game's makers have been sued. Either that, or maybe it's the other way around. {to Shaodw} What's this game called, anyway?
SHADOW: Final Reality. Now, will you play the freakin' game?
MAX: No.
- Click on "fighting" to see the deleted scenes.
Fun Facts
- To learn why Gunhaver and Homsar are stuck in the RPG game, why Homsar is unable to be understood by Gunhaver, about Jimmy jumping off a cliff, the computer in the hallway, Arrowhaver's fear of Blursdays, and Arrowhaver's Indianheat penny, read the previous email.
- Arrowhaver references Blursdays.
- Internet Sailor is a reference to Internet Explorer, an Internet browser.
- Mitosis and meiosis are two process of division/transformation of a cell.
- This email has several references to RPG games.
- Click here to read about Camelot.
- Click here to learn about gametes.
- Click here to read about Nintendo.
- Bong is a parody of Pong, a famous Atari game.
- Gunhaver makes a reference to Wikipedia.
- The Jibberish-to-English Listening Converter is a reference to the contraptions made in Homsar's Blog made to translate jibberish into English.
- Slightly-in-the-Middle-Earth is a parody of Middle-earth, where J.R.R. Tolkein's books take place.
- Frodo is a main character in Tolkein's Lord of the Rings books.
- Fire, earth, water, and air are Greek elements used in pop culture.
- The owl is based on the owl in the Legend of Zelda series.
- Click here to read about platformers, the type of games Gunhaver likes.
- The name of the game (Final Reality) is based on Final Fantasy, a famous series of RPG games.
See Also
