Other Character Email Tampo/lazor beams

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Tampo Email #4: "lazor beams"

Summary: Cul mentions tropical lazor beams, so Tampo gets them custom built into his new robot body and then tries it out.

Cast (in order of appearance): Tampo, Brody, Stlunko, Greggos, Jaros, Grundies, Stobats, Stinkoman, Homestar Runner, TMBG, 1-Up

Places: Computer Room, Engineering Lab, A Field

Date: April 2, 2005

Length: 166 Lines

Transcript

{Full screen view of Plasma 2000. Tampo's up on the right, Brody's to the left, and Stlunko's down at the bottom just like before.}

TAMPO: {singing} I once saw an email walking down the street, so I killed it.

{Stlunko opens an email after Tampo is done singing.}

Dear Tampo
I bet you have some pretty cool lazor beams!
Are any tropical?
Cul

{Stlunko opens a word document and types everything Tampo says.}

TAMPO: Lazor beams? I think you mean "laser beams."

BRODY: Most likely.

STLUNKO: Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation.

TAMPO: {not typed} ...yeah. {typed} Anyway un-Cul, I don't actually have any laser beams, much less any tropical ones. What the crap is a tropical laser beam anyway? I mean, how can a laser beam be "tropical?" Aren't they just beams of light?

BRODY: Maybe he means rainbow laser beams? Like a tropical tye-dye T-shirt that humans use or something like that?

TAMPO: Maybe. But whatever you meant, Cul, I think you might have confused my "laserballs" with laser beams. They're powerful balls of contained energy. Check 'em out.

{Tampo shoots out his classic quadruple-laser ball attack to the right. After a bit, an explosion is heard.}

TAMPO: {not typed} I love that attack. Anyway, where was I? Ah yes... {typed} Although I don't have any laser beams, you've given me an idea. I'll get some of these "tropical lazor beams" custom built into that new robot body my engineers are making. So let's go.

{Tampo floats away from the Plasma 2000.}

{Cut to the Engineering Lab. Lots of Greggos, Taros and Grundies are working on Tampo's new robot body in the middle of the room. It now has gray feet that look like they've been pieced together with building blocks, yellow feather-covered arms with hands, two plastic eyes up front and speakers for ears at the sides. All the junk that was along the edges before is now gone.}

TAMPO: Looking good, guys. How are those arms coming along?

{A Grundy walks up to Tampo.}

GRUNDY: Great. Almost done. The Jaros wouldn't give us many robotic parts, so we actually had to pump all the Stobats' stomachs for bones and then we shaved them for feathers to cover the arms with.

{Cut to a bunch of Stobats. They are all shaved and their bellies are shrivelled up. One of them opens its mouth and coughs. Cut back to Engineering Lab.}

TAMPO: Nice, very... creative. Carry on.

{The Grundy leaves.}

TAMPO: How about those legs, Jaros?

{A Jaro approaches.}

JARO: Very well, sir. We actually ran out of robot parts so we had to take apart our own brethren and use their parts to finish them. They're almost done, just a few more sacrifices to go.

TAMPO: Cool. Carry on.

{The Jaro leaves..}

TAMPO: Overseer, what's the progress on those eyes, ears and other senses? {a long pause} OVERSEER?! OVERSEER!?!

{A Greggo approaches, but not the Overseer.}

GREGGO: We ran out of the high-tech parts needed, so the Overseer sacrified himself to finish the job.

TAMPO: Okay... remind me to give him a raise if he ever gets pieced back together. So... how is the weapon system going?

GREGGO: Weapon system?

TAMPO: {whispering to himself} I don't believe this. {normal voice} Weapon system. You know, to have fightings with?

GREGGO: {mumbling} Um... we haven't started...

TAMPO: Haven't thought of that, huh? Well, when everyone's done with what they're working on, go get them started on an advanced weapons system, okay? I want to defeat Stinkoman in this thing, you know? Now get back to work.

{Greggo and Tampo both turn around and prepare to walk/float away, but then Tampo turns around, remembering something.}

TAMPO: Oh, yeah. And custom install some "tropical laser beams" into that weapons system.

GREGGO: {turns around} Tropical laser beams? Don't you mean tropical lazor beams?

TAMPO: Uh... yeah. Sure.

GREGGO: Okay. One advanced weapon system with tropical lazor beams coming right up. I'll get you when it's done.

TAMPO: Okay.

{Tampo floats away. Greggo turns around to inform the others.}

{Cut to a digital clock. It reads 4:00. The clock speeds ahead by minutes until it stops at 9:00. Words appear underneath.}

Five hours later.

{Cut back to the Engineering Lab. Tampo floats in, being closely followed by the Greggo he had talked to earlier. No other robots are visible in the room. The finished robot body is standing in the center, looking almost exactly like it had earlier.}

GREGGO: ...here it is. Once into it, you will be plugged into the computer mainframe. You should be able to control the commands by thought.

TAMPO: Awesome. What can it do, exactly?

GREGGO: It pretty much has every weapon invented. It can fly, swim, shoot missles, lasers, the works. Don't forget those tropical lazor beams! We ran out of recycled parts and actually had to take apart the entire warehouse's security system and use it on this robot.

TAMPO: Okay... you should have asked about that first, but it's okay. I'm going to go in it now and challenge Stinkoman to a fight.

GREGGO: Alright. Go right in.

{The door in the roof of the robot opens up and Tampo shrinks and goes in. The door closes behind him. Tampo walks around in a circle, enjoying the ride.}

TAMPO: {shouting from inside} I'm a lean, mean, fighting machine now! Stinkoman, look out, 'cause here I come!

{Tampo the robot walks out of the building by crashing into the wall, which doesn't even cause Tampo to flinch. The Greggo watches Tampo disappear from view.}

{Cut to a non-descript field with nothing but blue sky in the background. Stinkoman is sitting around, looking bored.}

STINKOMAN: {sighs} Is there anyone out there wanting a challenge?

{Suddenly a low-powered laser hits him in the butt. He quickly jumps up in shock. The screen pans left to show Tampo the robot. A powered-down laser cannon retracts into his left feather-covered arm. Stinkoman jumps into an action pose and faces the robot.}

STINKOMAN: {shouting quickly} Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you asking for a challenge?!?

TAMPO: You bet!

{Dark clouds start pouring in and it suddenly starts to pour. Lighting flashes and thunder booms as the fight begins. Stinkoman charges at Tampo, but Tampo jumps over Stinkoman. A rocket launcher sticks out the back of Tampo's body and fires a rocket which hits Stinkoman square in the back.}

STINKOMAN: ARRGGGHHH!!!!

{Stinkoman faces Tampo and does his signature "Double Deuce" attack.}

STINKOMAN: Double deuce!

{Tampo's hands replace themselves with laser blasters and fire a blast at Stinkoman's thongs. They hit and Stinkoman flies back and hits the ground. Lightning flashes and thunder booms.}

STINKOMAN: Owwwww! Oof! Ugh...

{Stinkoman lays on the ground, unable to get up for a while. Rain is pouring down.}

TAMPO: Oh, man, this is so awesome! Prepare to meet your doom Stinkoman! Let's see what these "tropical lazor beams" can do!

{Cut to Tampo's point of view. Everything is dark except for a goggle-shaped screen that shows data from the eyes. Through them, Stinkoman is visible fallen down on the grass, soaked.}

TAMPO: Tropical Lazor Beams, activate!

{Suddenly the screen changes to puppet Homestar Runner in a room with They Might Be Giants in the background. All outside sounds are replaced with Homestar.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: One, two, three and four...

TAMPO: What the... crap?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing}

Aaaaaah,
Tropical lazor beams,
Lazor beams of love,
Tropical lima beans.

TAMPO: What is this? No! Make it stop!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing}

When you're away it's like a void,
I try to avoid it.
Every time you're away,
I put my lazors on...

TAMPO: Come on... come on... No! It won't turn off!

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing}

...stun!
Because I gotta stun you,
Just to get my point through!

{Cut to outside the robot. It is still storming and Tampo is staggering. Homestar's voice is quieter, but still audible. Stinkoman is starting to get up.}

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing in the distance}

Lazor beams!
Lazor beams!
Pretty please!
With the lazor beams!

{Stinkoman stands up, faces Tampo and hears "...the lazor beams!"}

STINKOMAN: Correct me if I'm wrong, but are you still asking for a challenge?!?

HOMESTAR RUNNER: {singing in the distance}

Aaaaaah,
Tropical lazor beams,
Lazor beams of love.
Tropical lima beans,

STINKOMAN: {yelling} Double deuce!

{Cut back to Tampo's view. Homestar is still onscreen.

HOMESTAR RUMMER: {finishing song}

Lima beans above.

{Song ends. Screen turns back to normal. Stinkoman is charging up, his fists glowing.}

TAMPO: Oh, man! That was awful!

{Stinkoman is flying towards Tampo in a double duece attack.}

TAMPO: Cul, I'm- {notices Stinkoman.} Oh, no you don't.

{Cut to outside view. Tampo jumps away in the nick of time and Stinkoman flies for a bit before sliding into the wet ground. Tampo lands and faces Stinkoman. The part of his body which had his logo flips around and becomes a huge cannon.}

TAMPO: No more mister nice guy!

{A huge missile shoots out, and it slow motion, hits Stinkoman in the back. Lightning flashes, thunder booms and Stinkoman falls down with a groan, charred and smoking. Tampo goes into a victory pose, his arms high in the air.}

TAMPO: {shouting victoriously} At last, I have finally beaten Stink... o... man?

{Tampo finds himself unable to move. Suddenly rust starts forming all over from the heavy rain. Tampo is now a frozen, rusty robot.}

TAMPO: Rust?!? This couldn't get any...

{Suddenly Tampo is struck by lightning. The screen flashes. When the light fades, Tampo's robot body is nothing but ashes. Tampo the brain floats up and grows back to his normal size. He is burnt, blackened and looks tired. He floats away. The storm suddenly breaks up, and it is sunny again.}

TAMPO: {mumbling as he leaves} ...stupid rust... greggo... stupid... lightning...

{1-Up enters. He sees Stinkoman lying on the ground.}

1-UP: Hey, Stinkoman!

{1-Up looks at the charred emails of Tampo's robot body, which is a black pile of ash and soot.}

1-UP: Ooh, pudding! I want pudding!

{Stinkoman jumps up, still charred.}

STINKOMAN: We deserve a break. Eat pudding with a spoon!

{Stinkoman produces a spoon out of nowhere.}

1-UP: Hooray!

{A snot dribble slides out of 1-Up's nose. Then he jumps into the pile of soot, eating it by the mouthful. Stinkoman walks up to it and starts eating it with the spoon. A cloud floats by and words form on it: "Click here to email Tampo."}

Easter Eggs

At the end of the email, click on 1-Up's star to see a box for "Ash Pudding" appear onscreen. Click on it to close.

{A picture of black ash in a bowl with a spoon sticking out of it is on the middle of the box. 1-Up's face is on the top left side of the box, cheeks full and some "pudding" on his face. Stinkoman has a similar pose on the top right side. Their names are written underneath their heads. Underneath the big picture are some words.}

ASH PUDDING!!!
Is it pudding? Is it ash?
Find out! Buy it! Buy it!
All the "Guys" are eating it*, and so must you!
With a spoon!

                    *not guaranteed

{A price tag with the price "$19.99" is on the bottom right corner.}

If you wait at the end long enough, a spaceship will slowly fly by. Click on it to open Puppet Homestar's "Tropical Lazor Beams" video on a separate window.

Fun Facts

This email is a sequel to the previous email "construction."
This is the first Tampo email to end away from the Plasma 2000.
"They Might Be Giants", "TMBG" for short, is a real life band that has done some work with The Brothers Chaps.
Stlunko's only dialogue in this email is the real name "LASER" stands for.
"Tropical Lazor Beams" is a real Puppet Homestar Runner short.
Stinkoman and 1-Up's ending quotes and 1-Up's snot dribble are all based from the cartoon Under Construction.
The space ship that will activate the "Tropical Lazor Beams" easter egg is the same one from Main page 17: 20X6!

Quick Links

View this email's deleted scenes.

Other Character Email Tampo/lazor beams

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